The Dairies of the Chronically Ill
Do you want to know what the hardest part about being chronically ill is to me? It's not the migraines, the fatigue, or the constant pain. It's that growing up, nobody believed me.
When I would come home from school everyday with a migraine and go right to bed, when I was constantly getting sick, or how I struggled with daily tasks because I was in so much pain.
Growing up, I learned to make sacrifices. Not going to my brothers football games because the noise would send me into a flare. Not having enough energy to go to family events and socialize. My friends, my family. They thought that I was difficult. That I wasn't making an effort. That I was lazy and useless and making it all up.
And while that hurt like hell, I think the hardest part is that they still have that perception of me. Even with the diagnoses, I still don't get invited to events. I don't get added to the group chats. I don't have a community. I didn't ask for this, any of this.
I find solace in knowing that none of this is or was ever my fault. That I wasn't just crazy, or lazy, or making any of it up. I find solace in the fact that I sought out and finally received answers when everyone told me it was just in my head.
It takes away some of the sting of not having a village. Because I am my village. I got out, I saught answers. I never gave up, even when every part of me was screaming to end it. I fought, I fought like hell. I pushed doctors for tests and answers. I was relentless.
My wish for myself is that i never have to be resilient ever again. Because I was. For some reason I was stubborn in my pursuit to not let my circumstances be the end or me. I fought with thoughts of wanting to ends the suffering. I spent so many nights wanting to end it all. But something inside of me had a glimmer of hope for a better future.
It's not all sunshine and rainbows. I still have more bad days than good ones. I'm still constantly struggling with the migraines, the fatigue, and the pain. But it doesn't feel like this enormous weight on my shoulders anymore. I feel free to make choices that work best for me without having to apologize or over explain.
When I would come home from school everyday with a migraine and go right to bed, when I was constantly getting sick, or how I struggled with daily tasks because I was in so much pain.
Growing up, I learned to make sacrifices. Not going to my brothers football games because the noise would send me into a flare. Not having enough energy to go to family events and socialize. My friends, my family. They thought that I was difficult. That I wasn't making an effort. That I was lazy and useless and making it all up.
And while that hurt like hell, I think the hardest part is that they still have that perception of me. Even with the diagnoses, I still don't get invited to events. I don't get added to the group chats. I don't have a community. I didn't ask for this, any of this.
I find solace in knowing that none of this is or was ever my fault. That I wasn't just crazy, or lazy, or making any of it up. I find solace in the fact that I sought out and finally received answers when everyone told me it was just in my head.
It takes away some of the sting of not having a village. Because I am my village. I got out, I saught answers. I never gave up, even when every part of me was screaming to end it. I fought, I fought like hell. I pushed doctors for tests and answers. I was relentless.
My wish for myself is that i never have to be resilient ever again. Because I was. For some reason I was stubborn in my pursuit to not let my circumstances be the end or me. I fought with thoughts of wanting to ends the suffering. I spent so many nights wanting to end it all. But something inside of me had a glimmer of hope for a better future.
It's not all sunshine and rainbows. I still have more bad days than good ones. I'm still constantly struggling with the migraines, the fatigue, and the pain. But it doesn't feel like this enormous weight on my shoulders anymore. I feel free to make choices that work best for me without having to apologize or over explain.
I don't know if i'll ever find my village, but I know that I won't find them by shrinking myself for others.
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